告別博士生涯之回顧 上

大約整整五年又一個月前，媽媽和我帶著忐忑卻興奮又期待的心情來到了明尼蘇達州。能拿到全美化工排名前三的入學許可，免學費，又有生活費（獎學金）可以領，聽起來整個是大好消息和大好康。然而，以現在的觀點來看當時的我，當時我還真的沒有搞清楚讀博士這條路所應有的期待和態度（可能也不知道要怎麼準備）。這五年過得很紮實，很辛苦：有血（真的有血！！）有汗有淚也有笑聲！
我打算分上中下三集來寫。上集將主要講述關於讀博士班的期待，和專業上的學習領悟。中集的部分講整體身心靈的學習成長。下集則講求職的摸索和經驗。

Appreciation

If you are a PhD student, or were PhD students, you would probably agree with me that the process of pursuing a PhD is very challenging. It's challenging both intellectually and mentally. The intellectual challenges arise from pushing the boundaries of what you already knew to trying to understand and rationalize what you don't know. You explore the unknown based on what you knew, and learn through the journey. The mental challenges often come along with this explorative process. Although you are equipped with your well-formulated hypotheses and you posses great technical skills to solve the problem, often times, you will end up finding one mystery after another because things may not work as you expected, which could come intrinsically from the subject matter or it's just an instrument malfunction. Then, considering the limited resources you have: you don't have forever to solve this problem because you want to graduate and get a real job, considering what you have achieved versus what you have failed, and considering someone constantly bugging you for results, this explorative journey can be daunting and draining. Ultimately, your confidence drifts away and it's just so hard to tell yourself "never give up."

準備畢業

這幾個月來，很努力的想要把實驗完成，進入寫論文的階段。但好事多磨，到四月中我和老闆才訂出明確的研究主題。主題一定我立馬衝實驗，這批實驗又長，又複雜。實驗長，因為需要十二小時的觸媒合成，然後額外四小時的前處理，才是要做的實驗，通常需要三到四小時。為了要能夠每天做實驗，我都盡量在下午四點前完成當天實驗，並趕在五六點前開始新的觸媒合成，所以常常一天需要十幾小時的實驗時間。實驗複雜，是因為不同的處理條件需要不同的氣體組合，而主要管線設計就已定，所以實際氣體是怎麼走這些管線，以及氣體源的架設，就需要很大的精力去設計和執行。經過一番努力，系統增設已趨完善，現在就是操作執行面的準確。一不小心轉錯閥，一整晚的觸媒合成可能就因此作廢，只能隔天重來。我的實驗設計明確，目標明確，但執行上永遠不如計劃完美。過去兩個週末，我好努力地來到的學校，卻發現儀器出問題。慶幸經過又一番努力，並適時尋求協助，問題都能及時解決，頂多耽誤個一到兩天的實驗。

在這種很想得到實驗數據同時又邊走邊trial and error的狀況下，很容易因為高壓高標準而把自己逼到情緒的角落，emotional resilience會明顯變得脆弱。這時候會提醒要自己停下來，並使用從心理師和各種閱讀中學到的技巧來和自己對話，讓自己能與自己的心智連結。可能因為我做得不夠，或時間不夠長，最近連續三天都噩夢，導致因需要早起做實驗而僅存的六到七小時的睡眠更顯不足。

強迫休息吧！今天因為轉閥而廢了今天的實驗，意外的賺到一個週日的假期，讓我有機會來這裡反思～有時候真的要相信自己，一時的慢，不代表最後會慢！休息，是為了走更長遠的路！